Fitting No More
by lovewinter
Summary: Catherine's thoughts after the end of 12x02, "Tell-Tale Hearts".


Title: Fitting No More  
><span>Rating<span>: K+  
><span>Timeline<span>: after "Tell-Tale Hearts", 12x02, just after fading to black.  
><span>Pairing<span>: no pairing  
><span>Disclaimer<span>: I don't own CSI or any of its characters, I just borrowed them to a have a little fun with them.

**A/N**: This is my first CSI fic. English is obviously not my language, so please forgive my 'weird' writing. Huge thanks to Diane, my wonderful beta for this story, .

**Fitting No More**

Tonight has been a real eye-opener-I feel like a stranger in _my _lab.

I have spent the last twenty years of my life here. It has felt like home since the first time I went through the door. It was the chance of a better life for me and I threw myself into it. Gil, Jim and I went through everything together. We made this lab.

Grissom gave away his personal life to become a great criminalist. We followed him and, in doing that, gave away our lives too? I tried to change things a bit, but we well know where it led us. I led my team like it was a family, but it isn't. Each of us needs a family outside. That's what Gil realized when he left.

This new man arrived here, one of the best labs in the country, and he… fits perfectly. He never doubts his actions, even if we weirdly glare at him. Even his name seems a joke—D.B. Russell—as if being demoted wasn't enough. He has a family, a wife who loves him, children. He's so easy going that it's almost upsetting. Looking at him, I feel as if I did nothing right in my life.

Sure, he probably has a stay-at-home wife who keeps his life outside work in order. She is probably much more understanding and sharing than Eddie had ever been. And he didn't grow up in Vegas. I was a single mother well before Eddie's death. I think I earned the title a few months, or maybe just weeks, after Lindsey's birth. Eddie wasn't a bad man, but he just wasn't family material. I can't say that everything in our marriage was bad, but it wasn't enough to overlook his flaws. I was so angry with him when he died. I almost lost my baby because of him. He stole Lindsey's childhood and I didn't know how to help her. We had a rough time and luckily I swallowed my pride and asked for help. I'm scared to think where my daughter could be now if I hadn't got my head out of my ass in time.

Once I said '_never doubt, never look back, that's the way I live my life'_. It was nothing but the truth and I kept doing it. Probably I should have doubted instead—at least regarding Ray and maybe regarding my capability of being supervisor. I'm not saying that I can't be a supervisor- I'm sure I'm capable of it- but it's this team that I can't supervise. I'm too close to them. We have known each other for too many years. I'm more a mother to them than a boss.

I let the team become my family. Let me explain. That's not bad, but I lost my perspective. I could play the mother-role when Gil was here to take distance from them and make the right decisions. But now I had to be the one. And I royally screwed up. Nick has never seen me as a real boss. Ray was not our usual newbie and I let his self-confidence blind me. I let him alone once I was sure he could do the job. But I was wrong. I had to stay close. Even if he was a grown up man and esteemed doctor, he needed guidance and advice. Greg was like a wild kid, and I had to cut him way more slack than to anyone else just because he was the youngest one. But he is a man now. The irony of all this mess is that the only member of my team who actually considers me as a superior is Sara, maybe because she and I have never really been friends. Anyway, none of them needs me. I don't have a role anymore here.

I knocked on Griss-, sorry, D.B.'s office door tonight. A man killed himself in front of me and I was looking for something to ground me again, or, maybe, just something familiar, I'm not sure. But I didn't recognize that room. That has always been Gil's office. I didn't even take it when I was promoted. I looked around and it was like I was in another lab, miles away from here. I know that life goes on, that you have to move on, but I never thought that there would come a day that I would feel as a stranger here.

Maybe it's time to start a new chapter of my life. I'm getting too old to solve puzzles.


End file.
